#102: 💔 Heartbreak Hurts, Literally
#102: 💔 Heartbreak Hurts, Literally
How Our Brains React to Love and Loss
Hey Friends,
When I published #100 - not only did I get a lot of congratulations on my 100th newsletter, I also got quite a few curious readers asking if the topic of the newsletter was because something happened in my life….I got a few DMs asking “Nina - did you FALL IN LOVE?”
And the answer, my loyal readers, is yes, I started a new relationship. 💕
Although the timing in my life lined up perfectly to write on one of the most interesting topics, Love, this next newsletter does not reflect an update in my love life.
No need for any messages to my new partner asking “WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!”
I promise.
Haha
🗣️ Looking for the Nina’s Notes Podcast?
It’s available on:
On the Nina’s Notes Podcast I interview entrepreneurs who are building products based on the science that I write about in the Nina’s Notes Newsletter.
You’ll also find voice overs of all the weekly Nina’s Notes, narrated by me, Nina.
💬 In this note:
💔 The Neuroscience of Heartbreak
📚 Emily in Paris (again)
⚡️ Update Screen
💔 Heartbreak Hurts, Literally
This is Part 2 in my two part series. If you haven’t read Part 1 – Read it here: 🧠💕 What Happens to Your Brain When You Fall in Love?
Love is a Drug
When we fall in love, our brain is flooded with all of the feel-good neurotransmitters.
Relationships boost our levels of oxytocin, the love hormone, which helps us form bonds with others.
Our brains also release dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward, and serotonin, which helps regulate our mood and is associated with happiness.
When we break up, our brains lose their regular supply of these neurotransmitters, and we go into a neurological withdrawal.
The lack of these neurotransmitters can make us feel anxious, depressed and isolated.
Springtime: The Season of Heartbreak
Everyone knows that late fall is “cuffing season".
The time of year when people settle down after a summer of love, and find someone to snuggle with during the cold winter months.
But, when cuffing season ends - this means that Spring is the season of heartbreak.
According to an older analysis of 10,000 Facebook status updates, Spring was the clear season for breakups.
This does not necessarily mean that you will get dumped this Spring.
It just has a higher probability of happening.
The Brain Thinks a Breakup is Physical Pain
Studies show that the brain reacts to the pain of a breakup in the same way as it would physical pain.
It has been shown that heartbreak has similarities to the pain of breaking a bone.
The results of the study give new meaning to the idea that rejection "hurts."
They demonstrate that rejection and physical pain are similar not only in that they are both distressing, they share a common somatosensory representation as well.
Social rejection activates stress hormones like cortisol and epinephrine, which flood the body.
The excess cortisol prompts increased blood flow to the muscles, causing them to tense up and prepare for action.
However, since you're not physically reacting but rather experiencing emotional distress, this tension may manifest as headaches, a stiff neck, or an intense sensation of tightness in the chest.
An excess of cortisol can contribute to symptoms such as stress, anxiety, and nausea, which can become dangerous. For instance Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, a syndrome caused by heartbreak, involves heart attack-like symptoms such as intense chest pain, shortness of breath, and dizziness.
Research shows that those who have ended a relationship experience fascinating patterns in the brain. For example, in the midbrain, neurons that fired due to the “reward” of love continued to wait for the “reward” although there was none left, showing that these individuals were still “in love” waiting for love to happen.
These individuals also reported a lack of emotional control for up to months after a breakup.
Replacing the Missing Love Hormones
In a breakup, we lose our regular supply of the love neurotransmitters, and our brains become desperate to replace the deficit of these hormones and neurotransmitters by any means necessary.
How we chose to replace them can determine if we have a healthy recovery or prolong our misery.
Dr. Mike Dow, bestselling author of Heal Your Drained Brain, notices from his clinical practice that people who have just gone through breakups tend to drink more than usual and are more likely to engage in one-night stands.
These activities provide a heavy "dollop of dopamine" which hits the brain's deprived pleasure centers.
In short, substance use and casual sex are fun ways to spend an evening and a rich source of ribald anecdotes. However, Dr. Mike thinks these activities also have a downside: despite the dopamine hit that draws us to them, they are not the best way to get over someone in the long-term.
Alternatively, Dr. Mike suggests spending lots of time with close friends and cuddling pets.
He also recommends engaging in non-romantic activities that provide pleasure, passion, and purpose. He calls this "replacement therapy".
The idea is to find healthy ways to keep up our supply of feel-good neurotransmitters.
Dr. Mike also insists that diet, exercise, and regular sleep are key elements of brain health both in and out of relationships.
How to Get Over it
Heartbreak sucks. Find solace in spending time with friends. Cry when you need to and try not to give into binging ice cream of any sort to ease the pain. Those quick fixes are just temporary and you wouldn’t use a band-aid to fix a bullet wound.
What the heartbroken need to do is to replace the missing neurotransmitters with novelty like learning a new hobby or sport. Because as Taylor Swift says… “I can do it with a broken heart.”
Of course it is easier said than done. Here are three strategies to mend a broken heart:
Cognitive Reappraisal
This is a cognitive change process where a person re-assesses the situation and its significance to change its emotional impact. To use this strategy, you can:
Focus on the aspects of the relationship that taught you lessons
Replace the neurotransmitters with a new hobby or sport
Exercise. Call your friends. Journal.
Focus on self-compassion. Meditations. Yoga nidra for sleep.
Create a vision, intention and list of desired attributes in a new partner
Go “Love Sober” for 30 days
One of the most challenging heartbreak-related neurotransmitters is oxytocin, often referred to as the bonding chemical, which the brain needs time to recalibrate after a breakup.
This is why a "love sober" period of 30 days is recommended—avoiding all contact with your ex, including calls, social media, or physical intimacy.
Engaging with them only strengthens the neurological bond, making it harder to move on and regain emotional balance.
However, going sober doesn't mean completely isolating yourself. It's important to avoid "tunnel vision" and remember that there are other possibilities out there.
Flirting, meeting new people, and enjoying positive attention can all be forms of self-care during the healing process.
A PTSD Expert Developed a Viable Cure for Heartbreak
Most everyone will experience heartbreak in our lives, but some breakups are more traumatic than others. For example, discovering that your long-term partner is leading a double life can cause severe trauma.
To treat these types of heartbreaks, Alain Brunet, a psychologist specializing in PTSD, developed a therapy called "reconsolidation therapy" to treat trauma from "romantic betrayals."
At his McGill University lab, Brunet combines therapy with propranolol, a beta-blocker, to help patients "re-record" painful memories, removing the trauma while keeping the memory intact.
The therapy involves patients writing and repeatedly reading their traumatic experiences aloud while under the drug’s influence, effectively lessening the emotional pain associated with the memory.
Originally designed for PTSD survivors, this method has shown to be even more effective on patients suffering from severe romantic breakups.
Brunet's therapy has treated hundreds of trauma survivors in France and Canada, yet he faces challenges commercializing it due to lack of pharmaceutical interest in propranolol, because it is a generic medication.
Despite this, Brunet is optimistic that his approach could revolutionize psychiatric care, extending to conditions like prolonged grief, phobias, and certain forms of depression.
To continue learning about the neuroscience of heartbreak and strategies to heal after a breakup. I recommend the following books, podcasts and articles:
Letting Go - David Hawkins
Heal Your Drained Brain - Dr. Mike Dow
Mars and Venus: Starting Over - John Gray, Ph.D.
The Hardcore Self Help Podcast - Dr. Robert Duff
This Is Your Brain on Heartbreak - Meghan Laslocky
The Importance of Naming Your Emotions - Tony Schwartz
📚 Book of the Week
No book this week because…Emily in Paris is back with the second half of Season 4.
As expected, the rest of the season is lovely, and I am team Marcelo 💚🤍❤️.
Meanwhile….I want to thank @anxiousdelux for asking the question we all are asking…
⚡️ Check This Out
Do you need a break from work?
Do you have a Windows computer?
Oh no.
😈
Edited by Wright Time Publishing
Happy for you beautiful